*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Breaking news:
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices