They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
that de-escalated quickly
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Did my cat write this
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”