Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
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*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.