I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I’m going to need a moment here.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’