Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
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Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Childbirth is so beautiful
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.