Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Phonetics
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Breaking news:
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
LOL
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.