Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
HOW DARE YOU
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”