If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Sticker placement is key.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?