“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.