I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.