I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
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[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count