My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
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It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women