Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?