king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
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My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer