Guilty! 🤪
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“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*