My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit