BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW