“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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buying dead houseplants to save time
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
How all things should be taught/explained.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.