Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.