carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
You Might Also Like
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards