I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
peeping toms
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah