whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’m giving up for Lent.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.