I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training