me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
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God, I love Scotland
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
May have had one breakfast too many
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth