A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.