The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!