You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
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At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan