Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.