Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.