Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
me refusing to leave twitter
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.