when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?