Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
never forget