Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
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if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
S O O N
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
the Monday after daylight savings
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers