*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
With this onion ring, I thee fed
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.