[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
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I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.