I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
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“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!