ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
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4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.