Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Who.
Did.
This?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.