7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
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Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Become ungovernable.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious