[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.