She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
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Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.