[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.