I am all good here, 😂😉
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GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
This dude got his own movie?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.