*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.