Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
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SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky