If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
The photographer’s assistant
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information