What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
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Spa day..😅
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.