instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Dead sexy!!
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck