GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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Facebook marketplace is a different world
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.