“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
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“Theirye’re” problem solved
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Not all heroes wear capes….
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.